also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Randomize
