I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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