I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
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