we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
not ubering you a puppy
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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