I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
