i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Semen is not good for contacts.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
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