bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Randomize
