Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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