I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
