1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
