Kareoke will never be a sober sport
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
