I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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