I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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