In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
