If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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