is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
