an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
You are a genius and a whore.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
