It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
