Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
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