I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Randomize
