i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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