I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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