my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
