idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
