We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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