i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
