apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
