sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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