It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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