Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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