So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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