so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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