Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
