were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
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