So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
