I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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