Little spoons don't ask big questions
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
