I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
