i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Randomize
