when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
