This is not my ceiling
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
