My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
