Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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