yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
