Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Randomize
