Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
