Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
