Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
