dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
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