you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
