end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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