Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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