You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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