Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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